OK...So I have to ask a question to the blogworld out there. It may seem a little crazy and even morbid. But seriously I have to know. Since most the readers are my dear friends I have to ask you...Does anybody else have crazy thoughts that YOU or your CHILD is going to die, well, before your/their time??? It's not a thought I have a lot, but sometimes I seriously think about it. Then I wonder is my mind just wandering or is this Gods way of preparing me. Now, I feel crazy just writing this, but it's gone on long enough, I have to know if you've had these feelings/fears too! When I mention it to Wade he just smiles and says,"We're all gonna die...Sometime". So I'm either FREAKING him out or he thinks I'm crazy and is trying to be polite! ;)
I usually convince myself that these thoughts are normal because I am a Mom and that's just what we do. I seriously imagine a world in which I have passed and my children show up to Church and school with messy hair (no bow mind you) mismatched clothing, and no make-up and/or perfume. I don't mean to make this funny but seriously that is my nightmare. Then it goes deeper. I fear how they will never know me and how much fun I was and all my quirkiness and how much I loved to hug and kiss and cuddle them.
As for my children. I never really fear Nora will pass. It's always an unsettling fear with Audrey though. Again, I seek comfort that I only think this of her b/c I am a mom and she is a BABY! I know I worried for Nora a lot more when she was a baby too. You know what I mean, looking in her crib at night to make sure she is breathing, panicking if they are sleeping longer than usual, And forget about it if there is a random fever, I even still worry about SIDS and she's almost 10 months old.
So, I know this is really a horrible subject. I've wanted to cry a couple times just writing this. But I have to know if I'm crazy or am I just Obsessive Mom???
In the end, As depressing this subject may be. I have to delight in the Gospel of Jesus Christ! That he is our Savior and through him we have the atonement and eternal life. I know that Families are Eternal too. It's truly a great comfort to know we will be reunited with loved ones in the next life. What a gift to know that this life is only the beginning!!
8 comments:
Ah sweetie! So sorry this has been plagueing you on and off! Yeah, I think all moms go through this--more so than dads, definitely. I worry about losing my kids too. And those little ones are so fragile--they need our constant watchful eye! So I think this definitely falls under the category of "being a mom." Does that help any? Now go kiss your little one and then sleep soundly. Angels watch over them...
Nicole, totally normal. I still get up to check on Sam and he is almost three. Any time he has a cough I check on him three or more times a night b/c of his history with sudden, severe croup.
When we were first married, Blake traveled alot and Jonathon was a baby. Anytime he would leave I would cry, cry, cry because I was so worried something would happen to one of us.
I think it is natural, that or we are all nuts.
The hair bow nightmare is not a dream …it is a REALITY…we, my dear, are married to Bolingers. When Holly was in preschool, I was very sick one morning and Wes got her dressed for school. My kids were known to be the best dressed from pre-school to 12th grade. The girls wore Daisy Kingdom dresses and hair bows and had matching shoes, etc. When Sean brought her out to the car when we went to pick Holly up that afternoon, I was HORRIFIED. This child comes to me with hair combed like a boy, coral colored striped pants with a pink flowered shirt. I was still sick so when I got home I called the school and apologized for her appearance, they all laughed, they knew me and knew by her “outfit” that Wes had dressed her.
Now they dress themselves and pick out their own clothes and there are days I ask them if they really think that what they are wearing looks good, and I cringe when they think it does and hair bows are long gone, and I ponder about what is ahead of us, but then I remember some of the outfits I wore, my mini skirt and red velvet Donny Osmond hat and platform shoes and the celery green mascara or the very blue mascara and I laugh, cuz I know it is coming around the corner. My mom survived , I have survived and so will you…
You know, I'm glad you posted that. Now I know that I'm not crazy!! That it is a normal mom thing! I know I let my imagination run off at times to where I'm just about in tears! I am thankful also that because of what Jesus did for us we get to spend eternity with Him and our loved ones. I just tell myself to stop thinking about what bad things can happen and focus on raising my kids in a way that will glorify Him and insure we're all there together! And I pray that God will give me the strength to do just that!
I have a strong suspicion that you're realizing now that it's totally normal. My theory is that you must REALLY be enjoying motherhood and your love for your children is an overwhelming feeling. When I am pregnant it is worse. I start to worry about the baby inside my womb and/or that I will die in labor. I hope you are reassured by all the comments posted. I also agree that it does help knowing that our families are forever. What a blessing!!
I do the same thing. I don't know if that makes us both crazy or both normal. Oh well. You should tell Wade that he is required to make the girls' hair nice when they leave the house just in case though. I have given my husband thorough instructions about all kinds of things. Like, he is only allowed to remarry if he can find someone who is fatter than I am. Gotta cover the important stuff, you know?
Hi Nicole....your daughters are so precious! I have a 4 year old little boy and YES, I have had thoughts like that off and on ever since he was born. It's scary, but your friend, Jadie, is right, Angels are all around protecting them (and us).
oh nicole. similar haunting feelings here. but what worries me more is that sometimes i feel a bit of relief when i think about it. like, some of my parenting stress will be gone. now is that weird or what???
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